I rush to fill it with many things, hobbies, people, activities, yet it looms. Quietly in the background, growing slowly over time.
I work myself to the ground to get rid of it, or hide away yearning to satisfy it's hunger, yet it's never satisfied.
What does it want from me?
I push myself to succeed, falter at times, and rarely just simply give up. And yet, am I not doing something for it to be content and disappear? Sated with what I offer it?
Am I it's slave, it's bitch? Quietly taunting me, so I change directions randomly, hoping I will finally appease it. It remains quiet and I scream in anger and frustration.
What are you? Why are you here?
I've asked this hole multiple times, and have not an answer.
I have been broken, on top of the world, but the hole remains constantly within me. I've spitefully ignored it, taunted it to take me often with tears, yet it still remains. Quiet, un-appeased, always hungry.
Happiness, family, love and lust, joy, sorrow, anguish, loneliness and pain, these do not sate it's appetite as I have offered them up over the years. What is it looking for? It angers me, yet drives me to fill it. It still remains.
I have kept you hidden for too long. Torturing me, comforting me, my dark little secret void.
Today, I acknowledge you publicly, you ungrateful silent bastard. You are a part of me, have made me suffer for reasons I do not know, and now everyone knows of your existence.
Walk into the light they say. Am I making you move towards it now, or is it making me face your darkness because I have done something I haven't done before in exposing you to others?
I am tired, frustrated, and pushing people and things out of my life yet again because of you. Is it a cycle that you enjoy? Or are you the sadist of all sadists wanting to do battle over time to see what exactly? My strengths? Weaknesses? To finally break me, so you can pick me back up again?
I am done. Do you hear me? Done with this dance that I cannot hear the music to. I will NOT say you have won, because I don't even know what we are doing together to reach any prize.
So, my friend, my lover, my enemy, my void, my fucking gnawing hole inside of me...what will it be?