I've been asked a lot of questions about the lifestyle I live, and watched for countless hours the people coming in - very eager and very green (only read 50 Shades of Grey green) and then quickly get frustrated and disappear for various reasons. so, I tried to come up with as many mistakes that we have all made at one point or another and listed them here to help some people out in their leap to the 'dark side'.
Googling UTube videos will teach me all I need to know about something.
No. No way, and no it won't! Those three minute videos on flogging a pillow will not help you read a bottom's body, or the next one or even the third, or what to do when they go into subspace and what to do about it. Do you even know what subspace is? Experience will be the thing that will teach you what you need to know. That, and asking questions of other people that are holding those floggers in their hands. ASK one of them to teach you, watch as many as you can in action, and practice for fucking EVER so you get good at it. Just because you played Mario Cart once does not mean you can walk into the DMV and get your license automatically. So what makes you think you can flog from a video or you bought the prettiest and biggest flogger from E-bay? LEARN like the rest of us real people do, because we will find out how much you know really, really quick. And don't brag about your (obvious lack of) knowledge...we all talk around here, so you will be outed for fakeness in no time. Be real, and learn like the rest of us do..over time, with practice and with help.
There is only one way to play and it all has to be a certain way.
While there are some safety rules that should be followed, the only people who make the rules are the ones involved in the scene or relationship. If anyone else tells you that you are doing this wrong, tell them to mind their own business. I happen to do the same thing (let's say flogging) with different people, and each scene is completely different from the next. I giggle with one bottom, be serious with another. I use only floggers on one, another bottom gets scratched all the hell with my fingernails AND flogged...and their ass spanked or whatever. So long as the safety checks are there, each scene is the right way because it is something the two of us have discussed prior to the scene and it's right for us. Even if you disagree that drawing blood should automatically end every single scene immediately, I'll argue differently. And we are both correct. Ok, so there will be some obvious pathogen issues in a public place, but those safety rules will be followed obviously, but for private play, if I want to get blood on my floggers, I will. Then spend the extra time later cleaning them properly, but that doesn't make me a bad player, it just means that you are squikish around blood and I'm not.
Another common mistake is rushing into things.
Otherwise known as 'kid in a candy store syndrome', newbies want to try it all! NOW! I know that after years and years of suppressing this desire it is very hard to take it slow when you finally find out you aren't the only one that gets turned on by rope. But rushing to dominate or submit to another without taking the time to get to know some skills, and each other, is a recipe for pain and a shit pile of frustration. This is the bad kind of pain when you first get started. We're not going anywhere, trust me. We will still be here next week, the week after, even the day after that. So take the time to read up on something, join a local playspace to get the visual on what you are interested in, and get to know the person you will be playing with.
And in case you haven't heard about subdrop...doing everything right now is a surefire trip the depression land. So slow down, enjoy and relish each experience before jumping on the rollercoaster ride. Puking should not play into this, it should be fun.
Another mistake is submissives submitting to anyone that has labelled themselves Dom/me/Master/Mistress.
Fetlife was nice enough to give us these wonderful labels to stick after our names as 'guidelines' so as not to confuse a 'top' from a 'bottom'. However, just because someone sticks "Master", "Mistress", "Dom" or "Domme" in their screenname DOES NOT MEAN you MUST call them "sir" or "ma'am" or submit to their demands. Especially when you first meet them!
For the most part, a reputable, experienced dominant knows this and will not demand unearned respect. I tend to freak out when someone calls me ma'am anyways and will set you straight (gently at first, but can turn obnoxious for those that want to be a brat). And even though my name IS MistressTia, I'm not yours dammit!
New dominants are sometimes guilty of this-especially those boys that have cock-sucking (receiving) as their ONLY fetish. If someone hasn't earned your respect, why would you act like they have? Respect is a TWO-WAY street in any relationship, D/s is no different. Just because they talk to you here online, does not entitle them to be called Sir or Master on day one. If someone says otherwise, please take my advice and block the dumb asses immediately. They want you to suck their cock and you get nothing from them except maybe cum in the hair and wishing for a bleach bath afterwards.
Another mistake involves setting limits.
Some make too many limits, and this will sometimes frustrate or scare off the dominant. New sub will often set too few limits. They feel they will not be desirable or "sub" enough if they have limits. Take some time to think about what truly squicks you... what you do not under any circumstances want to experience at present, and make this act a limit. If a potential Dom/me won't agree to a certain limit, walk away. Of course, your limits will change as you become more experienced. What you won't submit to this year, you may crave the next. Always remember this if you don't want to set limits....it means I can skin you from head to toe if I want. There's your first limit!
You will probably hear at some point: the "Dom/me is always right" syndrome.
The joke is there are two rules in D/s:
The Dom/me is always right
If the Dom/me is wrong, refer to Rule #1
That's exactly what it is. Just a joke. Dom/mes are human and are sometimes wrong. It isn't a mortal sin against the D/s gods to respectfully suggest to your Dom/me that s/he may be wrong... especially if it involves a safety issue, cause wE.are.NOT.gods.
Just because you are submissive doesn't mean you check your brain at the door. If you are the dominant and make a mistake, don't be afraid to admit it and apologize. It won't make you any less "domly". It might even hike up the respect notch from others, so act like a human occassionally and admit when you are wrong.
Another mistake - the Dom/me's pleasure is the only thing that matters.
Sure, as a sub it is your job to please your Dom/me cause that's all you hear and read about, but it should please you as a sub too. We play these games to make everyone happy. While there may be times you do something to please your Dom/me that you don't enjoy, if you find yourself doing this consistently you are probably with the wrong partner. It also applies with the Dom/me doing all the work to keep the sub happy and being freakin miserable and they do nothing for you except give you grief. Lilke all relationships, one sided ones don't last.
This is where communication is so important.
Lastly, and I hope I haven't lost everyone, is the most important mistake that people make in general.
You assume and don't communicate. And OMG, like VET people. Learn what this word means.
To know what you are getting yourself into, ASK questions and actually listen to the answers (it's better when it is written cause you can refer back to it too). There is nothing that sucks more than a sub meeting a dom/me who is sexually attractive and being so eager to please because of hormones, forgets to ask the right questions, or reads their profile, or checks out the type of person the dom/me is. If they tell you they are pretty laid back and on their profile it clearly states they want a slave in three weeks...and you aren't slave material...ASK what the deal is! BEFORE you find yourself chained to his bedpost 24/7.
And VET...which means asking around as to the type of person he or she is-you know...like companies do to employees prior to hiring them???? How long have you known them, what are their skillset, know what type of dominant/submissive they are, etc. Qualifications, personality and so on.
It happens here too. Look at their friend list and pick some out and ask them what their personal thoughts are on the person. Have you played, what was your experience like? Did they know what they were doing and how did they treat you? THOSE are the types of communicating you should be doing prior to being chained up....because if you don't, your name could appear among the missing because you just met the next serial killer.
All fear mongering aside...if you don't vet a person, you may end up being miserable with the choice you made. And don't just ask one person-cause we all don't like everybody so you probably will get some nasty comments from a few (you can figure that out that it is a personal thing-exboyfriend, jeaousy, etc, soon enough if you ask further). Ask several people on their friend list randomly (both male and female), and look at their interaction on their walls. If you keep hitting a brick wall with a pattern of 'I don't know or have met him, he only added me and we have never talked'....use your head people. Personally, I'd just walk away because someone should know at least one person on here to be valid.
Ever hear of trolls? We have them here and they are just as appealing on here as in the storybooks. You don't want to meet either of them.
I am a Dom/me, therefore you must be my slave immediately and I'm collaring you since I've written to you first
Look, just because someone put together a few sentences and sent them out to you (and probably 20 other fresh faces) does not mean you have to reply back to them thinking you stand out from the crowd. Ever.
Sorry to burst your vulnerable bubble, but you should be coming into this knowing what you want out of it. We are all special in some way, you really should prove it to others by getting out there and learning and showing what you got to make you appealing to others. Equally so, the Dom/me should be able to prove the same thing. Actions speak louder than words most times, but if their words aren't consistent on a weekly basis, get out!
Even the most obnoxious things that a person can send out, "you will suck my dick" (yup, you get them here as you do on POF, Cupid, AFF, even Facebook), does not mean you have to waste YOUR time responding in any fashion - either politely to tell them they are being rude, or rather of factly telling them to shove their dicks up their ass (my person favourite). If you don't like what that initial message says....delete it and then simply block them. End of story. Being submissive does not equate to being verbally or mentally abused by any stranger without your consent. Remember that FOREVER! There is no Charter of Rights that states you have to give them a lesson on manners and honestly, some asshats actually enjoy the challenge of one-upmanship by insulting you further once you respond back. Twisted little circle of aggravation that you might want to just walk away from. Why have some stranger ruin your day?
However, if they have sent you a well composed message looking for you to be their slave (I love the ones that go after the freshest of newbies who only have F on their profile and no pictures even), and you seem interested in getting to know them, by all means talk to them to find out more. And find out what their definition and the responsibilities that go with the collar.
But, do know this. Collaring is the equivalent to a marriage. It is a sign of trust gained and earned, of communicating both the needs of the sub and the dom and by agreeing to them, and it is a sign of love and devotion to each other (even if it isn't a sexual relationship, someone can still be collared). This all takes what is called time to establish. There is no set timeframe for a collaring, however, like a marriage, plans have to be made, agreements in place, that connection must be firmly established. If you have any squiks...don't put the damn thing around your neck. And don't do it the first time you meet. Even I will call you a jackass when you come to me weeks later filled with regret over being so stupid.
There are a couple types of collars, similar to promise rings, engagement rings and wedding bands. Having a locked collar with his name on it and he has the key = wedding band kind of deal. You really want the hassle of a divorce after a few days of having one of those stuck around your neck?? It won't be pretty when you decide to wake up and want to leave.
So...what did I forget?
Googling UTube videos will teach me all I need to know about something.
No. No way, and no it won't! Those three minute videos on flogging a pillow will not help you read a bottom's body, or the next one or even the third, or what to do when they go into subspace and what to do about it. Do you even know what subspace is? Experience will be the thing that will teach you what you need to know. That, and asking questions of other people that are holding those floggers in their hands. ASK one of them to teach you, watch as many as you can in action, and practice for fucking EVER so you get good at it. Just because you played Mario Cart once does not mean you can walk into the DMV and get your license automatically. So what makes you think you can flog from a video or you bought the prettiest and biggest flogger from E-bay? LEARN like the rest of us real people do, because we will find out how much you know really, really quick. And don't brag about your (obvious lack of) knowledge...we all talk around here, so you will be outed for fakeness in no time. Be real, and learn like the rest of us do..over time, with practice and with help.
There is only one way to play and it all has to be a certain way.
While there are some safety rules that should be followed, the only people who make the rules are the ones involved in the scene or relationship. If anyone else tells you that you are doing this wrong, tell them to mind their own business. I happen to do the same thing (let's say flogging) with different people, and each scene is completely different from the next. I giggle with one bottom, be serious with another. I use only floggers on one, another bottom gets scratched all the hell with my fingernails AND flogged...and their ass spanked or whatever. So long as the safety checks are there, each scene is the right way because it is something the two of us have discussed prior to the scene and it's right for us. Even if you disagree that drawing blood should automatically end every single scene immediately, I'll argue differently. And we are both correct. Ok, so there will be some obvious pathogen issues in a public place, but those safety rules will be followed obviously, but for private play, if I want to get blood on my floggers, I will. Then spend the extra time later cleaning them properly, but that doesn't make me a bad player, it just means that you are squikish around blood and I'm not.
Another common mistake is rushing into things.
Otherwise known as 'kid in a candy store syndrome', newbies want to try it all! NOW! I know that after years and years of suppressing this desire it is very hard to take it slow when you finally find out you aren't the only one that gets turned on by rope. But rushing to dominate or submit to another without taking the time to get to know some skills, and each other, is a recipe for pain and a shit pile of frustration. This is the bad kind of pain when you first get started. We're not going anywhere, trust me. We will still be here next week, the week after, even the day after that. So take the time to read up on something, join a local playspace to get the visual on what you are interested in, and get to know the person you will be playing with.
And in case you haven't heard about subdrop...doing everything right now is a surefire trip the depression land. So slow down, enjoy and relish each experience before jumping on the rollercoaster ride. Puking should not play into this, it should be fun.
Another mistake is submissives submitting to anyone that has labelled themselves Dom/me/Master/Mistress.
Fetlife was nice enough to give us these wonderful labels to stick after our names as 'guidelines' so as not to confuse a 'top' from a 'bottom'. However, just because someone sticks "Master", "Mistress", "Dom" or "Domme" in their screenname DOES NOT MEAN you MUST call them "sir" or "ma'am" or submit to their demands. Especially when you first meet them!
For the most part, a reputable, experienced dominant knows this and will not demand unearned respect. I tend to freak out when someone calls me ma'am anyways and will set you straight (gently at first, but can turn obnoxious for those that want to be a brat). And even though my name IS MistressTia, I'm not yours dammit!
New dominants are sometimes guilty of this-especially those boys that have cock-sucking (receiving) as their ONLY fetish. If someone hasn't earned your respect, why would you act like they have? Respect is a TWO-WAY street in any relationship, D/s is no different. Just because they talk to you here online, does not entitle them to be called Sir or Master on day one. If someone says otherwise, please take my advice and block the dumb asses immediately. They want you to suck their cock and you get nothing from them except maybe cum in the hair and wishing for a bleach bath afterwards.
Another mistake involves setting limits.
Some make too many limits, and this will sometimes frustrate or scare off the dominant. New sub will often set too few limits. They feel they will not be desirable or "sub" enough if they have limits. Take some time to think about what truly squicks you... what you do not under any circumstances want to experience at present, and make this act a limit. If a potential Dom/me won't agree to a certain limit, walk away. Of course, your limits will change as you become more experienced. What you won't submit to this year, you may crave the next. Always remember this if you don't want to set limits....it means I can skin you from head to toe if I want. There's your first limit!
You will probably hear at some point: the "Dom/me is always right" syndrome.
The joke is there are two rules in D/s:
The Dom/me is always right
If the Dom/me is wrong, refer to Rule #1
That's exactly what it is. Just a joke. Dom/mes are human and are sometimes wrong. It isn't a mortal sin against the D/s gods to respectfully suggest to your Dom/me that s/he may be wrong... especially if it involves a safety issue, cause wE.are.NOT.gods.
Just because you are submissive doesn't mean you check your brain at the door. If you are the dominant and make a mistake, don't be afraid to admit it and apologize. It won't make you any less "domly". It might even hike up the respect notch from others, so act like a human occassionally and admit when you are wrong.
Another mistake - the Dom/me's pleasure is the only thing that matters.
Sure, as a sub it is your job to please your Dom/me cause that's all you hear and read about, but it should please you as a sub too. We play these games to make everyone happy. While there may be times you do something to please your Dom/me that you don't enjoy, if you find yourself doing this consistently you are probably with the wrong partner. It also applies with the Dom/me doing all the work to keep the sub happy and being freakin miserable and they do nothing for you except give you grief. Lilke all relationships, one sided ones don't last.
This is where communication is so important.
Lastly, and I hope I haven't lost everyone, is the most important mistake that people make in general.
You assume and don't communicate. And OMG, like VET people. Learn what this word means.
To know what you are getting yourself into, ASK questions and actually listen to the answers (it's better when it is written cause you can refer back to it too). There is nothing that sucks more than a sub meeting a dom/me who is sexually attractive and being so eager to please because of hormones, forgets to ask the right questions, or reads their profile, or checks out the type of person the dom/me is. If they tell you they are pretty laid back and on their profile it clearly states they want a slave in three weeks...and you aren't slave material...ASK what the deal is! BEFORE you find yourself chained to his bedpost 24/7.
And VET...which means asking around as to the type of person he or she is-you know...like companies do to employees prior to hiring them???? How long have you known them, what are their skillset, know what type of dominant/submissive they are, etc. Qualifications, personality and so on.
It happens here too. Look at their friend list and pick some out and ask them what their personal thoughts are on the person. Have you played, what was your experience like? Did they know what they were doing and how did they treat you? THOSE are the types of communicating you should be doing prior to being chained up....because if you don't, your name could appear among the missing because you just met the next serial killer.
All fear mongering aside...if you don't vet a person, you may end up being miserable with the choice you made. And don't just ask one person-cause we all don't like everybody so you probably will get some nasty comments from a few (you can figure that out that it is a personal thing-exboyfriend, jeaousy, etc, soon enough if you ask further). Ask several people on their friend list randomly (both male and female), and look at their interaction on their walls. If you keep hitting a brick wall with a pattern of 'I don't know or have met him, he only added me and we have never talked'....use your head people. Personally, I'd just walk away because someone should know at least one person on here to be valid.
Ever hear of trolls? We have them here and they are just as appealing on here as in the storybooks. You don't want to meet either of them.
I am a Dom/me, therefore you must be my slave immediately and I'm collaring you since I've written to you first
Look, just because someone put together a few sentences and sent them out to you (and probably 20 other fresh faces) does not mean you have to reply back to them thinking you stand out from the crowd. Ever.
Sorry to burst your vulnerable bubble, but you should be coming into this knowing what you want out of it. We are all special in some way, you really should prove it to others by getting out there and learning and showing what you got to make you appealing to others. Equally so, the Dom/me should be able to prove the same thing. Actions speak louder than words most times, but if their words aren't consistent on a weekly basis, get out!
Even the most obnoxious things that a person can send out, "you will suck my dick" (yup, you get them here as you do on POF, Cupid, AFF, even Facebook), does not mean you have to waste YOUR time responding in any fashion - either politely to tell them they are being rude, or rather of factly telling them to shove their dicks up their ass (my person favourite). If you don't like what that initial message says....delete it and then simply block them. End of story. Being submissive does not equate to being verbally or mentally abused by any stranger without your consent. Remember that FOREVER! There is no Charter of Rights that states you have to give them a lesson on manners and honestly, some asshats actually enjoy the challenge of one-upmanship by insulting you further once you respond back. Twisted little circle of aggravation that you might want to just walk away from. Why have some stranger ruin your day?
However, if they have sent you a well composed message looking for you to be their slave (I love the ones that go after the freshest of newbies who only have F on their profile and no pictures even), and you seem interested in getting to know them, by all means talk to them to find out more. And find out what their definition and the responsibilities that go with the collar.
But, do know this. Collaring is the equivalent to a marriage. It is a sign of trust gained and earned, of communicating both the needs of the sub and the dom and by agreeing to them, and it is a sign of love and devotion to each other (even if it isn't a sexual relationship, someone can still be collared). This all takes what is called time to establish. There is no set timeframe for a collaring, however, like a marriage, plans have to be made, agreements in place, that connection must be firmly established. If you have any squiks...don't put the damn thing around your neck. And don't do it the first time you meet. Even I will call you a jackass when you come to me weeks later filled with regret over being so stupid.
There are a couple types of collars, similar to promise rings, engagement rings and wedding bands. Having a locked collar with his name on it and he has the key = wedding band kind of deal. You really want the hassle of a divorce after a few days of having one of those stuck around your neck?? It won't be pretty when you decide to wake up and want to leave.
So...what did I forget?
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